I am Just One in Four:

August 13, 2020


before we start, this is so personal. normally i wouldnt dare post this. i dont do this out of sympathy.

i am one in four. this isnt about me.

this is about normalizing things that arent talked about. things that are pushed under a rug to never be talked about but because i am just ONE IN FOUR i will speak for those who have no words.

did you know that one in four women suffer from a miscarriage…one in four. that word is so offending to most. which is so weird to me. one in four women. think about how many women you know. no one thinks about it from your stand point. yes they are sad with you and for you BUT do they really understand…its not even their fault for not understanding.

You wouldnt ever wish that they do though because then they would be part of the statistic that you fit into so well. A statistic that you never even knew existed aside from a childcare class in high school. SO many women had it worse than i did but that doesnt mean that my heart didnt shatter just as theirs did.

Our story:

the excitement that December of 2019 brought us was unexplainable. we took the test even though i already knew, and i was right. Positive. My life long dream came true. At 21 years old i wasnt even a little scared. i was ready. for every single high and low that this new chapter brought us.

we told our families, we confirmed it at the appointment. i craved avocados, eggs, and any fruit i could get my hands on. i was SO sick. none of that mattered. i would have been sick every day for the rest of forever for that little babe.

and then something went wrong.

i skipped work that day because i knew something wasnt okay. my mom and i arrived at the ER around 9 am and were sent home around 12:30 or 1 that afternoon. they said the bleeding was no worry, to relax and go home but make another appointment with my OB. (they did all they knew to do, they were great doctors so this isnt their fault either).

that next day my husband and i were able to get an ultrasound and we got to see little babe. so tiny. so sweet. the heart beat was there. and in that moment everything was back to perfection. no more worries, no more scared or anxious feelings.

and either that night or the following night (its all really a blur to me) i was in so much pain i could barely walk. by the time we stepped out of the truck into the ER all i remember is being taken to a room and given pain medicine. the baby was gone before i could even process everything that was happening around me.

it has been a mind battle for me ever since. i do believe in God and i do believe that sweet babe is my guardian angel but sometimes that isnt enough. sometimes being surrounded by those who are expecting and those welcoming babies is too much for me.

MOST DAYS:

most days i am normal. i function and i go on about my life just like every one else. but you see if i wasnt ONE IN FOUR we would be packing our hospital bag, we would have a carseat ready. but here is the thing, this isnt just about me. i am just one.

we should normalize women taking all the time they need to heal. we should normalize women taking all the days they want to cry. we should normalize women speaking about what they are struggling with. just because you arent one in four doesnt mean you get to tell us that we cant speak about what we are going through.

BE THE CHANGE:

i encourage you to pay attention to the words you use. i encourage you to think before you ask someone “when are you gonna have some babies”. i encourage you to be an open ear. no one is asking you to understand. we dont wish that on our worst enemy. somedays we just want to be heard.

somedays looking at our newsfeeds are hard. that doesnt mean we arent doing okay. it doesnt at all mean we arent happy for you mommies. because heaven forbid you fall into our statistic, we dont want that for you.

i hope that someone… just one person relates to my story and they find comfort in knowing that there time is coming just like mine is. i hope someone who has no idea what this is like will now listen better and be the change for normalizing this subject.

i will never stay quite, i will always tell my story, and i will always speak up because i am just the one.

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